It's Permanent

Jeffrey Lurie squinted against the bright lights of the news cameras. He hated impromptu press conferences. Sometimes they just need to be done. The suspension of a starting offensive lineman for PEDs unsurprisingly generated a lot of media buzz which must be sated.

"Lane Johnson", he began, "was suspended today due to Permanently Erect Dick."

The media crowd collectively gasped.

Mr. Lurie continued with a solemn face. "What was first believed to be some sort of prank after a bit of shower horseplay quickly manifested into a problem within our locker room. We felt it was in the best interests of Lane, the Johnson family, and the Philadelphia Eagles to suspend him for ten games so he can deal with this issue. Furthermore, we are placing Lane into a support program for PEDs. Once a PED has been discovered on a team it is commonly understood that it will rub off on others and usually more will sprout up. Because of this, we will be placing at-risk players preemptively in the PEDs program. Those players are Peters, Cox, and of course, Smallwood."

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