Carson Takes Command

Carson was the first to respond to the shrieks of agony echoing through the bowels of Lincoln Financial Field. He nearly slipped to the ground sprinting past the final tiled wall. Starting quarterback Sam Bradford lay crumpled in the corner of the back shower, his pale, lifeless corpse a stark contrast of the vibrant almost-savior of the 2015 season, his bell-end rent in twain by the eruption of a well bound and firm poop.

Carson glanced around the showers and locker room. Nobody else arrived yet. Perhaps nobody cares. Carson collected the prescription laxative bottle from Sam's locker, content to destroy the evidence of tampering.

Don't take your eyes off your animal crackers, Chase Daniel, especially if you've opened them already.